Response to "A Recipe to Heal an Unhappy and Crumbling Marriage

     This post contains a bizarre parable shared by a reader of The Transformed Wife, about a young woman with an unhappy marriage who seeks advice from a wise old woman. The old woman provides her with a small pot filled with water from an old well, instructing her to keep the water in her mouth whenever she was around her husband, never swallowing any or letting any drip from her mouth. The young woman tried this for two weeks, believing the water had magical properties that would change her husband into a more loving man. Over time she noticed all conflict had disappeared from the home. After two weeks, she returned to the old woman to tell her the amazing results and asked if she could have more. The old woman then revealed the secret: the water had no magical properties at all. Rather, the change had been due to the fact that the wife had kept her mouth closed and never spoken. Since the wife couldn't speak, she hadn't nagged or scolded her husband, but merely focused on serving him and making sure his needs were met. In response, he had softened toward her, and their marriage was suddenly "happy." 

     Couples with truly happy marriages will immediately see the problems with this story. However, even more concerning is Lori's summary at the end of the blog. I honestly expected her to say something like "obviously the parable is oversimplified to make a point; it's not as if wives truly should never speak." However, nothing of the sort appears in her concluding remarks:  

"No wife has ever won her husband to herself by talking, preaching, scolding, or nagging him. God tells us that wives are to win their husbands by their godly behavior which includes a meek and quiet spirit. I believe having a quiet spirit includes not speaking our minds and not always having to give our opinions, but actually being quiet."

Several things must be said here. First, Lori's claim that God tells wives to win husbands by their godly behavior is a reference to 1 Peter 3:1: "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives..." This verse generally is understood to refer specifically to women with unbelieving husbands. Lori, however, prefers to broaden the application to include believing husbands who are not treating their wives in a loving way. This, of course, is stretching what the Bible actually says to say what she wants it to say. 

     Second, in the first sentence above we are told that "no wife has ever won her husband to herself by talking, preaching, scolding, or nagging him." Talking? Is she suggesting women shouldn't talk? As I mentioned above, she makes no attempt to clarify this comment further. If we are to understand her words according to their plain meaning, this is what we must conclude. 

     Third, isn't it interesting that she only allows for two extremes? Apparently, either the wife doesn't talk at all, or else she must be nagging, preaching, and scolding. Apparently she cannot concieve of a middle ground in which wives and husbands speak to each other both freely and respectfully. 

     At the end, she declares women must have gentle and quiet spirits. Let's consider the verse she is referring to regarding women having quiet spirits:

1 Peter 3:3: " Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God."

In context, this verse is cautioning women about focusing too much on their external appearance and trying to impress people with their looks, and instead to cultivate inner beauty. Also, it is not speaking specifically about marriage, so it certainly has nothing to do with improving one's marriage in the way she suggests. 

     Finally, she says that for a woman to have a quiet spirit means to not speak her mind or give her opinion, but to remain quiet. Here she could have qualified her comments and pointed out that she doesn't literally mean wives shouldn't speak, but again, she does not attempt to make this distinction. Instead, she suggests the secret to a happy marriage is for women not to speak their minds, give their opinions, or even talk. 

     One wonders how Lori thinks a husband and wife can have a truly successful relationship, in which both are able to make a meaningful contribution, if only one is allowed to share their thoughts and opinions? Of course, the actual secret to a happy and successful marriage is the complete opposite: treat each other equally with respect, and COMMUNICATE! A couple who does not communicate can never be close, can never share mutual respect, and can never truly be friends. It is reduced to nothing more than a business transaction. 

     Ultimately, the problem is that Lori doesn't seem to realize a conflict-free marriage is not necessarily a happy marriage. There may be no conflict in a prison camp, a hostage situation, or a physically abusive relationship either, but these are anything but happy environments.


Link to the original blog: https://thetransformedwife.com/recipe-to-heal-an-unhappy-and-crumbling-marriage/