Lori and I have had some fun and some frustrations with some of her more recent posts on a very hot topic of the propriety of a Christian husband, not just attempting to deal with his rebellious wife, but actually doing so with great results used by the Holy Spirit to produce a happy and peaceful wife.
In the actual blog, the words "Christian Husband" are a link. I clicked the link for context but got a message saying the page I was trying to access no longer exists. Considering what follows, this does not surprise me at all; Ken and Lori must have realized it was too controversial even for them. However, a quick Google search led me to the following link that provided all the information I needed: https://www.freejinger.org/topic/18772-lori-and-ken-alexanders-new-bestie-cabinetman/. If you are not concerned about the potential effect on your blood pressure, I would encourage you to check it out! To briefly summarize, for the crime of being "unsubmissive", this man would not allow his wife to hang out with her female friends, not allow her any money except enough for basic needs such as food and clothing, forbade her from attending a women's Bible study, and forced her to sleep on the couch or even in a cabin on their property. In short, literal mental, emotional, and psychological abuse. Just wait until you hear what Ken has to say about it!
To be clear, Lori and I are not advocating that husbands everywhere discipline their wives. We are hopeful that your state of marriage is not such that you are a difficult or rebellious wife where such a thought must be even entertained. Although I will repeat that far too often husbands and wives punish each other with words, moods, scowls and withholding sex and the best of themselves, precisely because they want a response from the spouse. We see a world of difference between this unchristian behavior that is happening in Christian homes far too often, and Cabinetman’s heroic work in helping to redeem his wife from the pit of despair and rebellion.
"Cabinetman" is the pseudonym chosen by the man who is the subject of this post. What a strange name. Anyway, Ken proceeds to hide behind vagueness and euphemisms, but he cannot make this topic any less disturbing. If anything, he makes it more disturbing by referring to such behavior as "heroic!"
All Christian discipline whether with elders to members, boss to employees, husbands to wives, parents to children should be the minimum correction necessary to obtain the desired long term godly results.
There is, of course, an important distinction to be made regarding the examples above. A husband is not his wife's boss, elder, or parent! The Bible never gives husbands authority of any kind over their wives! Ken and Lori try to paint those who believe in the equality of men and women as having a problem with authority generally by including examples of legitimate authority. But a wife is not a child or an employee, and should not be treated as such.
No husband in his right mind should be requesting a wife to follow discipline that is unfair, unjust, or harsh.
No husband in his right mind would ever want to discipline his wife in the first place or view her as a child, employee, or otherwise beneath him. Truly loving and caring husbands will never enter into such an arrangement in the first place, and those who would likely are the type who can't be trusted to be fair, just, and gentle. This is nothing less than a recipe for abuse. Only a twisted person could desire such a relationship.
Many who commented opposing the concept of a husband disciplining his wife gave all kinds of excuses, but the main one is that you cannot find such a command in the Bible. Yes, point well taken, but, there are many things not specifically given in the Bible concerning marriage, as God expects us to function freely within His specific rules of 1 & 2 above.
This is one of those comments that ought to be screenshotted and posted on Lori's page frequently. Lori constantly tells us there is no command in the Bible for husbands to submit to wives, for women to preach, for women to have careers, etc., and believes this is enough to argue that these things are forbidden. Yet, Ken turns around and says that even though the Bible doesn't say husbands can discipline their wives, there is "freedom" to do so.
I figured out the pattern of Ken and Lori's double standards: if we're talking about women, they are not allowed to do anything unless the Bible explicitly says they can. But if we're talking about men, they are allowed to do anything not explicitly forbidden by the Bible. The default for women is lack of freedom, while the default for men is freedom. What a surprise!
. Ken hastily dismisses such objections as the potential for abuse, the need for both spouses to grow and change, the fact that Jesus would not treat the church in this way, and the concern that the husband is free to be as arrogant and controlling as he likes. Then, says this:
Cabinetman's wife came to her hero's defense and told some pretty dark details explaining more as to why Cabinetman saw the need to take drastic measures to try to redeem his wife and his marriage. As soon as his wife brought depression and thoughts of suicide into the discussion, Cabinetman and all readers were then coached by some detractors as to how awful he was to try to save his wife by "isolating her" and controlling her without professional help and intervention.
Is Ken unaware that victims of abuse frequently defend their abusers? Of course he is. but accepts this as sufficient evidence that all is well. And yes, anyone with a brainstem would be concerned about a husband trying to "treat" his wife's depression and thoughts of suicide by isolating her instead of seeking professional help!
But then we have more of Ken's double standards:
Tell me people... why expect a husband in such a desperate situation to handle everything perfectly? Many men would just cut their losses and leave, but Cabinetman, maybe warts and all, fought for his marriage.
Even Ken has to admit (indirectly) that something is wrong here, but then he just makes excuses. When it's a woman, there is no grace, no second chances, no attempt to understand, just vicious attacks. But when it's a man, Ken says "now, now, he isn't perfect..." We're not asking for perfection; we're just asking for no abuse. This isn't difficult.
Another point that must be made is that Ken and Lori will glorify anyone who keeps a marriage together, with no consideration of whether it should be kept together (Jesus Himself allowed divorce in some instances, but I guess Ken and Lori would accuse Jesus of being unbiblical or something). They look past infidelity and abuse and everything going on inside the marriage, and simply rejoice over what they can see externally (that they are still legally married). It's almost as if they care about nothing except outward appearance...
So Lori and I have nominated Cabinetman as hero of the week for being faithful to what he believed was God's call to redeem his bride and participate with the help of the Lord to turn her into the godly, loving and happy women who lives out the Spirit inside of her. And for putting up with the obvious malpractice committed by far too many commenters who based their concerns on guesswork and feelings, not the facts.
I'm not sure how to calmly answer this paragraph. HERO OF THE WEEK? Godly women who merely work outside of the home or speak in church are crucified, while abusers are given the title "hero of the week." Isaiah 5:20: "Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter." And I would really like to know what "guesswork" and "feelings" he is referring to. The facts are literally right there! Ken tries to confuse us with vagueness and euphemisms and then pretend he is the one who is simply stating it like it is.
For those of you who still think he was too hard, or too arrogant or too borderline abusive, I can only say that I hope you, or your husband, never are put in the same predicament. Cast your stones if you may, then realize that biblically you have no footing to stand upon. The Bible does not in any way say that a husband cannot discipline his wife, so long as his motives are in love and he believes it is best for his wife to be corrected, reproved or rebuked. This is between him, his wife and his Lord. Not the loud voices, some who do not know God’s Word, and others who do not believe or follow it.
No, I don't think he was "borderline" abusive. That is far too lenient. And notice how he "hopes" women and their husbands are not "put in the same predicament." This is a classic tactic of abusers: pretending they have been "forced" into it and therefore are not responsible for their own actions. The abuser is portrayed as the real victim because he "had to" resort to such extremes.
Then he claims those who are against abuse have no biblical footing to stand on, once again claiming that husbands are allowed to do anything the Bible doesn't explicitly forbid (a very different standard than that for women). Of course, let me say that the Bible does forbid abuse, telling husbands not to be harsh with their wives, for example (Col. 3:19). Oh, I forgot: Ken only reads the verses about female submission and hates the rest of the Bible because he can't twist it to justify his own sick behavior. Ken has the audacity to tell those who condemn abuse of not believing the Bible or following it. I have no words!
Do you want a great marriage and not just an ordinary marriage where two singles come together from time to time to create part-time happiness? I mean a hot, intimate, feeling of oneness type of marriage? Or are you still too scared he might take advantage of you or abuse you? We are talking about your husband here, none other. Can he have your blessings to correct you, admonish you, rebuke you and discipline you?
You cannot have the type of marriage many long for until you are willing to be vulnerable enough to trust.
It seems to me that mutual love and respect between equals is a much better recipe for a great marriage. He entices men with a "hot" marriage in which they also get a free housekeeper who is unable to challenge them in anything, and he frightens women into thinking they'll never have a happy marriage if they don't submit to predators such as this. Trust is earned by treating people kindly and with respect, not by demanding it because you think you are entitled no matter how you act.
In closing, I hardly need to say that this is a highly disturbing blog, even more than most. As much as we rightfully object to nearly everything Lori says, let's at least recognize that she herself likely is the victim of some sort of abuse. I can't know for sure, but that certainly seems consistent with a lot of her behavior. We must continue resisting her, but let's also recognize the possible root of the problem, and hope and pray that she may one day become free and truly experience real love.
Link to the original blog: https://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/02/dealing-with-rebellious-wife.html?m=1
Lori has freely admitted that she's pretty abusive herself. She's very "do as I say, not as I do." I don't think Ken is innocent, but the submissive marriage thing was her idea.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I agree that to have a good relationship, you have to be vulnerable and willing to trust, but that does NOT mean you have to allow one partner to have all the authority and the other to be a slave.
Indeed, I certainly don't consider her innocent! She absolutely does prefer living this way (and trying to force everyone else to as well). And you're right, the idea that no trust exists unless one person has total control over the other is very twisted!
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