Response to "Many Women Seem to Enjoy Tearing Down Other Women's Marriages"

First of all, what a spiteful, misleading, irrelevant, childish title! 

I suspect the women to whom Lori refers reacted out of genuine concern to a situation that displays many red flags. When your position could not possibly be defended rationally, I suppose you must resort to attacks on the motives of those who disagree with you. Lori is attempting to manipulate us to be predisposed against these concerned women before we even read the blog; if she can get us to stop thinking, perhaps we won’t be able to disagree with her? Fortunately, we are not so easily tricked!

"Why do many women seem so ready and willing to tell other women that their husbands are doing wrong, thus trying to tear their marriage apart? Why aren't women more willing to encourage women in their marriages and build them up instead?"

Encouraging women in their marriages is great, but I would argue that it’s the last thing Lori does. Telling women they are inherently unimportant except to the degree they serve a man, and pushing them to never protest any sort of mistreatment for the sake of “peace” in their homes is anything but “encouraging.” 

Once again, Lori features a comment from another post. It’s rather long so I’ll just provide an overview. The woman said her husband likes to have a quiet dinner when he gets home from work, during which he can talk about his day in a relaxed atmosphere without being interrupted. So, she says, the unwritten rule in their family is that he is the only one allowed to talk at the dinner table unless he specifically asks her or one of the kids a question or gives them permission to speak. She adds that if at any point she talks too much, he will cut her off by saying, “That’s it. End it.” She recognizes these are not biblically mandated rules, but this is what works for her family and has helped them have quiet, peaceful dinners. 

Lori adds the following comment: 

"MANY women commented under her comment telling her that her husband was wrong, she was being abused, and he was being cruel and unreasonable. They seemed determined to destroy her marriage and speak evil about her husband. I didn't publish any of these comments since our goal, as Christian women, should be to want to build marriages up, NOT tear them down."

Lori isn’t concerned about whether the arrangement is harmful to this family; her only concern is making sure no one talks about it. Discouraging all criticism, regardless of what is being criticized, is itself reminiscent of an abusive relationship!

Allow me to state the obvious for a moment: there is something seriously wrong with this situation! Why does the husband alone have the right to speak without interruption? Why is he the only one whose need to talk about his day is acknowledged? Is it assumed that men always have more stressful lives than women? Or is it simply that only men have the privilege of sharing their feelings and unwinding? 

Interestingly, many of the comments suggested that men who work do indeed have a much more stressful life than women who stay home. Many of them referred to him getting home from “a long day at the office,” a hint as to the economically privileged perspective from which many of these people write their judgments of, for example, dual-income homes. On this point, I work in an office, while my wife stays home with our two children, and I can say with confidence (based on my time home on the weekends) that her job is FAR more stressful than mine! However, that’s not the point. The point is that each of us has an equal right to talk if we need to. 

Isn’t mealtime supposed to be an opportunity for a family to bond and enjoy each other’s company, to share about their day with each other? If only the husband is allowed to speak, how is this possible? 

Further, I have to wonder what kind of man would be okay with (let alone demand) such an arrangement. What kind of man desires most of all to deliver a monologue at the dinner table every evening, rather than hearing what the rest of the family has to say? Is this really the type of man who would lay down his life for his family? 

From another perspective, it is harmful to him as well. How is it healthy to give someone the impression that they are the center of the universe, that anything they do is permitted simply because of who they are (or, more specifically, their gender)? I suggest that this sort of arrangement is harmful to a person’s character development. 

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect is the fact that he tells her to stop talking when he’s decided she’s been talking too much. Seriously? He has the right to talk exclusively, and yet the concern is that sometimes she might be talking too much? What if he talks too much? Apparently there’s no option for her in this case. And as if that weren't enough, many in the comments section seemed preoccupied with the fact that women supposedly are the ones who have a problem talking too much, while defending the right of men talking exclusively. 

In fact, Lori herself writes in the post that "most women's nature is to talk A LOT and he doesn't want this." Again, it's the women who have a problem talking excessively, but if a man talks exclusively it isn't "too much." And it's getting pretty tiring hearing these constant claims regarding "most women." No evidence is ever presented to back up these claims; they are simply made based on a prejudice against women.

  Lori posted this blog before I was blocked from her page, so I was able to add a few comments to it. Mostly I got responses telling me it's not my business how this particular couple wants to go about their marriage and that I should just leave them alone. This is a bit odd coming from people who follow a woman who writes a blog that exists to criticize other people's marriages! Still, in the end, it's not my business if that's how they want to do things. If a couple decides they want to wear tutus every 3rd Friday of the month and communicate with each other only in song, what right do I have to interfere? But this wasn't my point. My problem is with the fact that this was being presented as a worthy example for others to follow, as is evident in Lori's conclusion:

"Instead of trying to tear apart this woman's marriage, women should have been encouraging and praising her for her example of submission to all of us even when it isn't easy."

What about normal conversation? Two people who respect each other should be able to converse naturally,each having the opportunity to speak and respectfully listening to the other, without setting up artificial rules that for some reason are skewed entirely in favor of one gender at the expense of the other. If a couple can't even figure out how to have a normal conversation, there are serious problems.

Lori also concludes by quoting James 1:19: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..." Let me make the radical suggestion that this verse was not written only to women, but ought to apply to men as well! Link to the original blog: https://thetransformedwife.com/many-women-seem-to-enjoy-tearing-down-other-womens-marriages/