This is a follow-up to her recent post in which she tried to find a servant- I mean, wife- for a young man who follows her. She included a comment from him that mentioned a young woman he is interested in. The only problem is that he’s 24, and she just turned 17. He wanted to know Lori’s thoughts on this potential obstacle.
Lori’s own advice is that he get to know her better and then, if she’s the one, marry her when she turns 18. But, as she does whenever she needs the input of a diverse, objective, wise group of people (heavy sarcasm!), she consulted the women in her chat room. One woman wrote the following:
“By the way, a few decades ago or more, nobody would have thought twice about these ages. In fact, a young woman was actively encouraged to marry around 17 or 18 and to marry a man several years older so that he could provide for her. A young man of her own age would not be prepared yet to provide for a family. Plus, a slightly older man would inspire respect for his leadership more naturally. Most women expected to marry right out of high school to a man in his mid-twenties. That was completely normal. I think we have gotten too peer-oriented and expected men and women to marry within their very narrow peer group. Yet if they wait until the man is established enough to provide for a family before they settle down, they have dated for years and not been chaste in the process.”
There’s a lot to unpack here. First, the fact that something was considered normal in the past does not prove that it is good. Nobody thought twice about owning people as slaves for most of recorded history either. Second, I suspect the lower life-expectancy and higher infant-mortality rate were major factors in encouraging women to marry young and have children as soon as possible, and of course these are no longer the concerns they used to be.
Also, am I the only one slightly creeped out by her comment that “a slightly older man would inspire respect for his leadership more naturally”? Is it just me, or do those who follow patriarchy/complementarianism seem a little confused about the distinction between husbands and fathers? Don’t get me wrong, there’s certainly nothing wrong with marrying someone somewhat older or younger than you are (as long as you have chosen to do so freely), but it’s odd to push for it as an ideal, and it’s definitely chilling to do so because it facilitates the authority/subordinate dynamic. Yet again, this shows that such people really don’t understand what a marriage relationship can and should be: a partnership of two equals who both respect each other. Instead, they are obsessed with creating a dynamic in which the wife is intentionally kept as juvenile as possible while the husband plays a role more like an overbearing father than a husband. They are obsessed with respect, but feel it should only go in one direction.
One more thought regarding the woman’s comment above: she reveals that the real reason they push for marriage at such a young age: they are obsessed with maintaining virginity above all else. The earlier you get married, they reason, the more likely you are to stay “pure.” But this is a clear case of the chronic internal inconsistency we see in patriarchal ideas. They push young women to marry as quickly as possible, or else they won’t be able to control themselves, but they recommend men wait until they’re older to get married and feel it’s entirely safe for them to do so. At the same time, they push the idea that it is men who have an uncontrollable sexual nature, and that women don’t really even have such desires! Which is it???
How old should women wait to get married? Our culture encourages women to go to college/university, gain a lot of debt, and then find a job/career so they can pay the debt off and “find themselves.” (Instead of finding themselves, they need to be finding who they are in Christ; for this has rewards on this earth and for eternity!)
Lori seems reluctant to come out and say it, but clearly she includes herself in the camp of those who believe women should get married as young as possible. Indeed, if there is no reason for women to get an education, have a career, develop a personality, or have goals and pursuits of her own, why wait? If a woman’s entire purpose is to clean a house and pop out babies for a man, might as well get started as early as the law allows! Of course, this only perpetuates the problem; people like Lori push women to be this way, essentially preventing them from developing into adults, and then point to these women as examples of the fact that women are in need of protection and guidance from a man. It’s no different from putting some bread dough in a box to rise and remarking at the fact that it came out as a loaf in the shape of the box, and concluding that it must be the nature of bread to be square.
So when should women marry? Whenever they want to and feel ready, which will be different for everyone. Needless to say, no one should be pushed to marry if they’re not ready, especially not by the use of scare tactics such as reminding them daily that their fertility is supposedly diminishing rapidly. I myself got married at 25 and felt that if I had married any younger, I would not have been ready. I changed very much between the ages of 23 and 25, and I suspect a lot of people do the same. While some have gotten married as young as 18 and have happy marriages, there is still so much development most of us have left at that age. Also, there is great value in having a spouse with some experience taking care of themselves and living in the real world prior to being married, so they can be a more capable and equal partner. Of course, it’s the word “partner” to which Lori is so opposed in the first place. Lori and her type need to stop treating wives like cattle whose usefulness must be taken advantage of during their most productive years but have little to no purpose once past their prime.
Link to the original blog: https://thetransformedwife.
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