Response to "Developing Thicker Skin as a Newlywed."

       Lori's latest blog is based on an email she received from a young woman named Sarah: 

“I am a young newlywed. I don’t have any older women in my life that can give me biblical advice. That’s why I’m writing to you and I hope that’s alright. Being married is all new to me and it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. I really did put hope in God helping me but I keep failing. And having to live with my mother-in-law is not easy.

“My husband and I have recently been having fights every time he gets off work. He is very critical of me and I’m very sensitive. I have no thick skin. I start to act hurt and that’s how the fights start. How can I get a thicker skin?

“I feel the sadness fill my whole body and I can’t help crying. My husband doesn’t like my crying and many times I feel like I’ve done nothing wrong. He seems to try to put me down. I do clean our home every day and I cook for him.”

Let's think about this for a moment while we work up the courage to look at Lori's response. The way Sarah describes her situation is incredibly sad. Although she's asking for advice and seems to recognize something is wrong, she still appears mostly convinced that the way things are going somehow must be her fault. After saying her husband is critical of her, she immediately points out that she is also sensitive as if these two facts are equally problematic. She quickly points out that she has no thick skin, again as if she is ultimately responsible if her feelings are hurt. Then, in a very telling sentence, she says the fights start because she acts hurt. Wouldn't it be more accurate to say the fight starts when he says whatever it is that causes the hurt? She has probably been conditioned all her life to view herself as the problem in these kinds of situations. She even appears to believe that his obligation to treat her well depends on whether she serves him by cleaning and cooking. 

       Then, disturbingly, she mentions that her husband doesn't like her crying. This may be the biggest red flag here (though there are plenty!). Clearly he can't be bothered by a wife who has her own feelings and need for respect. This is a classic tactic of abusers; they condemn any sort of protest or expression of feelings as inconvenient. They make it seem as if their victims are wrong for reacting, rather than themselves being wrong for hurting the other in the first place! 

       Well, we can't put it off forever; let's take a look at Lori's advice. 

I can relate to this woman. I thought I was a submissive, godly wife to my husband since I cleaned our home, cooked for him, and was even available for him sexually, but I was extremely sensitive and easily offended. If my husband said or did something I didn’t like, I would get angry and cry. I would stomp upstairs and wait for him to apologize no matter who was at fault. It was definitely a manipulation tool that I didn’t completely realize at the time. It certainly didn’t draw my husband to myself. Men get tired of seeing their wives in tears over every wrong that they perceive. We married imperfect men. We’re imperfect. It’s learning to accept him as he is and not trying to change him. That’s God’s job! Our husbands aren’t going to treat us exactly as we want them to treat us.

Lori exhibits the same tactic as abusers here. Without any justification, she immediately dismisses the possibility that this man truly is cruel, and instead assumes that what Sarah is distressed about simply is not a big deal. She paints the man as merely doing little things the woman doesn't like, such as squeezing the toothpaste in the middle of the tube or leaving the toilet seat up. In this way, Lori can dismiss the cries of women and make them sound silly. We are not talking about something she "didn't like." We're not talking about not being treated "exactly" the way we want. We're talking about emotional abuse! 

Women struggle with their emotional nature and this is something that we must learn to control if we want a better marriage. Being led by our emotions gets us nowhere. When a husband doesn’t treat his wife the way she wants to be treated or says something that offends her, the quicker she learns not to react but to give it up to the Lord, the better. This makes for a much more peaceful marriage.

Lori continues reciting the manifesto of the abuser. No need for husbands to not be cruel to their wives in order to have a better marriage. No, it is the wife who is wrong for reacting. It is up to her to control her emotions. How dare she have feelings? Again we see how Lori whitewashes the issue, saying the wife is merely "offended" and isn't being treated "the way she wants." 

      Lori doesn't understand the difference between avoiding conflict and truly having peace. There probably is very little conflict in a hostage situation too, but is it peaceful? Sadly, Lori doesn't know true peace, so the best she can do is chase after a hollow imitation that is nothing more than learning to shut off your emotions until you are less-than-human, because the alternative is much worse. This is classic Stockholm syndrome, and tragically, there are those to whom Lori wants to pass it on. 

We must also remember that it takes two to fight, Sarah. It takes only one to not fight. Be the one not to fight. State your opinion in a kind way and then let it go. You don’t have to be right and you don’t even have to try to make your husband understand you completely. 

Does Lori really believe it takes two to fight? Seems to me she believes only women are responsible for conflict. And I'm starting to sound redundant, but this is not about stating opinions, being right, or being understood completely! Sarah said her husband is critical, won't even allow her to express her feelings, and puts her down. But Lori turns a blind eye; she cannot even consider that the gender she worships may just be doing something wrong.  

Whenever he tries to put you down, ping those comments off of your shield of faith straight up to God. Don’t allow them to steal your joy. 

This is like telling a depressed person to "stop being sad." 

You will never develop a “tough skin” if you allow your emotions to control you. You’ll continually be like a ping pong ball – up if he’s treating you right and down if he’s not. 

Certainly we should not be completely controlled by our emotions, but again, that's not the issue. Lori is saying women should not show emotion at all. And she says this because she herself is terrified of the consequences if she shows her emotions, so she warns other women lest what she is afraid of may happen to them. This is not a normal or healthy relationship. 

Living with a person who gets easily offended isn’t easy. It’s like having to walk on eggshells with them. You don’t want him to walk on eggshells around you, right?

Amazing. Again, it's the abused woman's fault. This poor abusive man doesn't like having to think about what he says and be kind. How dare his punching bag protest! How dare she make him afraid to say and do literally whatever he wants with no regard for her feelings. Living with a person who is easily offended? How about living with an abuser?!

       And, for the record, there certainly is no sign Sarah is easily offended. On the contrary, likely she is far too tolerant, because she has been brainwashed to believe she's just supposed to sit back and take whatever her husband decides she must suffer. 

       We don't know much about this couple, but what we do know is terrifying. My heart goes out to this young woman. I fear she's in for a miserable life unless she is somehow able to get out (although we know how difficult that can be among such people). Still, she is at least questioning her situation. Hopefully there is enough of a spark of clarity that has not yet been "disciplined" out of her that she might realize that this is not the way marriage should be. This is not true love. And it could not be further from God's will for her. Contrary to what Lori tells her, she has rights; she has dignity; she deserves respect. And her weak, bullying abuser does not deserve her efforts to appease him by cooking and cleaning and being a good little wife, nor does he deserve Lori's obsessive, worshipful attempt to defend him at all costs and paint him as the victim. This young woman is exactly the type of person we need to hope and pray for the opportunity to rescue. 

Link to the original blog: https://thetransformedwife.com/developing-thicker-skin-as-a-newlywed/