Response to "Does His Happiness Matter More Than Mine?"

       No one is wrong 100% of the time. Sometimes, even those who are wrong on many things are correct on others. Or, sometimes, they get so close to being right on something that you think they've finally discovered the truth....only to see them completely miss it in the end. Lori's latest blog is one such case. 

              Lori is responding to the following comment from a woman named Aubrey on an article she wrote: 

“Why does his happiness matter more than mine? Why should I have to know what makes him happy and what his favorite foods are? I would love to make my husband happy but only if he’s willing to do the same for me. Both of our happiness should matter equally, but this article makes me feel like his happiness matters more than mine. Please, help me understand as to why this is.”

I understand Aubrey's frustration at Lori's seeming insistence that men matter more than women. The only problem with her comment is that it could appear she is saying you should only do something for someone if they do something for you in return. In many cases, I think we ought to show kindness regardless of what we receive in return. Of course, that's a complex issue because we should avoid abusive situations in which one person consistently takes advantage of another in a highly imbalanced relationship. Still, to be fair to Aubrey, I'm sure she understands this. I suspect what she meant was simply that a healthy relationship involves giving on both sides. 

       Lori responds with the following: 

The bottom line is that we are all bent towards sinfulness and this is what destroys marriages. We go into marriage thinking of ways our husbands should be pleasing us and if they are not, we become angry and unhappy. It’s all about us and our pleasures. We are selfish and self-centered without Jesus Christ’s transforming power.

This actually isn't a terrible paragraph! Sure, she directs it toward wives in particular, but that is the focus of her blog. She appears to recognize that all, men and women alike, are inclined toward selfishness. I agree that it is best not to live only for ourselves, but for others as well, and that this is the ideal for both men and women, husbands and wives. 

       Lori also says this: 

Jesus Christ told us that the greatest of all is the servant of all. We are to be living sacrifices for Him. We are also told that we reap what we sow. Therefore, Aubrey, if you want a good marriage, go into it thinking of ways to serve and please your husband. Take your focus off of yourself and put it onto him. The more you learn to do this, the more content and at peace you will be; for selfish expectations destroy marriages.

Again, not terrible at all! One of the main ways I argue the Bible teaches mutual submission is that Jesus says the greatest is the servant of all, which destroys the idea that God is pleased when husbands rule over their wives! And if both spouses go into a marriage thinking about how they can serve and please their spouse, it can be a beautiful thing (again, as long as it isn't one-sided in a way that becomes abusive). She's right, selfish expectations can destroy a marriage (you know, like expecting the wife to do all the cleaning and child-raising and clean up after the husband if he throws food wrappers on the floor). 

       At this point, it's hard to believe how Lori can write these things and yet not see the problems with what she teaches. But then, she goes back to the same old Lori: 

How will a husband love and treasure a wife who is continually upset and frustrated with him? He won’t. He will love and treasure a wife who loves to please and serve him. 

So, according to Lori, if your husband doesn't love you, it's your fault. A husband should only only love you if you're never frustrated or upset with him. Doesn't matter if he does things that upset and frustrate you. You're supposed to "not be ruled by your emotions", right? 

       Much could be said in response to this. Doesn't Lori believe that men literally play the role of Jesus in a marriage, and wives play the role of the church? But, if so, I'd like to ask Lori why a husband's love should be conditional, when Jesus' love for us is unconditional? 

       Or, to look at it another way, Lori teaches that wives should submit to their husbands, and husbands love their wives. She says wives are required to submit whether their husbands love them or not, but here she implies that husbands have no obligation to love their wives if they're not submissive. And she doesn't see any problem with this? 

       Finally, she says: 

If you want a good marriage, do it God’s way, not your way. He is your Creator and He knows what is best for you. You were created to be your husband’s help meet, not vice versa. This may seem unfair, but our God is a just God and His ways are perfect. His ways bring beauty and order. The world’s ways bring chaos and disorder.

I'm happy to do marriage God's way instead of Lori's way, since the Bible, when taken as a whole and understood properly, clearly teaches an egalitarian view of marriage. Lori's model of marriage is based on the teachings of Greek philosophers thousands of years ago who viewed women as inferior creatures. I'll certainly take God's way over that. 

       Notice, in the end, how she never answers the original question. "Does his happiness matter more than mine?" She could have said somewhere in here "no, both your happiness is equally important", or even the reasonable point that the life isn't all about happiness anyway. But no, instead, she implies with a deafening silence that his happiness really is more important than yours. 

       And, before I go, to beat a horse that was dead long ago, she has no grasp of what it means for Eve to be Adam's "helpmeet." The Hebrew word, ezer, doesn't mean "servant", "secretary", or whatever else Lori wants to pretend it means. She would have us believe that men were God's main creation, and that women were created for no purpose other than to "assist" them in whatever it is they're doing. No, the word ezer is used far more often in the Old Testament to refer to God helping the nation of Israel. Unless Lori thinks that makes God a subordinate to us, she needs to rethink what she teaches. The women is only a "helper" in the sense that she is an equally capable individual who comes alongside the man as his equal partner. There is no assumption of hierarchy in the story in Genesis. That's added later by Lori and other men who think women, the Bible, and God Himself exist only to glorify them. 

       I'll agree with Lori's final statement, only with a slight edit:

"God's ways bring beauty and order. Lori's ways bring chaos and disorder." 

Link to the original blog: https://thetransformedwife.com/does-his-happiness-matter-more-than-mine/