Response to "What He Asked Her on Their First Date."

       Lori begins this blog with one of her "well-supported" claims: 

It seems that most couples who are dating, don’t delve in deeply what they expect in marriage.

Setting aside her compulsive and inaccurate use of the word "most", we must be fair and acknowledge that this certainly can be a problem. I'm not aware of any study that has been done on the matter, but I personally know people who have gotten married only to later discover that one of them wanted children and the other did not. If Lori would just state the problem without pretending to know things she couldn't possibly know (and using such a judgmental tone), I would have no problem with this opening. 

       She goes on to present a list of questions that a woman in Lori's chatroom says her husband asked her on their first date. There are a lot of questions, so I'll only cover the weirdest ones (though, honestly, that's nearly all of them!). 

My husband took me to a wonderful restaurant. After we ordered our meal he asked me…

Will you never use birth control and allow God to bless us with as many/few children as HE sees fit?

Well that's a little...fast, don't you think? Certainly every couple should discuss whether they want children, but this is going a bit further. I'm trying not to dive too deeply into the birth control issue here...despite the fact that the Bible simply does not address it at all, some people feel very strongly about this, and if that's the case it certainly is good to know sooner rather than later. But he didn't say that this is how he feels and then ask how she feels on the matter so they could come to a conclusion together. He simply decided for both of them (even though they're not even a couple yet) and asked her to agree to his edict. If this is something about which he feels strongly, he ought to make his case to her and work so they can be on the same page (if, in fact, they decide to continue with the relationship). Instead, he simply asked her to sign on the dotted line and move on. 

Are you willing to stay home and raise children and not have a career ( I was in college at the time)?

Again, some people feel strongly about this, and who am I to tell them what their preferences should be? In theory, if a man will only marry a blond woman, I may feel that's a bit arbitrary, but the last thing I would do would be to suggest a woman with brown hair date him. However, the biggest red flag to me is the fact that she was in college at the time. He was immediately asking her either to drop out of college, or, if she finished college, to completely waste her degree. If he wanted a stay-at-home-wife, he probably ought to pursue someone who wasn't already in college and clearly indicated that she had no desire to get a higher education. To ask someone to give up all their current plans and entirely adapt their life to yours, on the first date, should ring some warning bells. That does not sound like the kind of husband who would value a wife for her personality and individuality, but merely for the services she can provide him. 

Are you willing to homeschool our children?

Again, great question to discuss. But "our children"?!? Calm down a little, you don't have children yet! How about "if we were to get married and have children, what do you think about homeschooling?" And that's still a bit odd for a first date. 

Do you believe in dressing in the appropriate gender clothing?

I'm not sure exactly what he means here. Is he asking her not to wear pants? A few centuries ago men in the United States didn't wear pants either. The clothing that is appropriate for each gender is entirely culturally determined, a fact that often is lost on this kind of person. And, needless to say, "please don't cross-dress" is not the best opening line on a first date. 

 What do you think is the ideal hierarchy of the household?

At least here he asks her opinion instead of saying something like "do you agree that I rule over you for life?" But he hardly deserves credit, as obviously there is only one answer he would accept. My answer, of course, is that there need be no hierarchy if you're two mature adults. These people will insist a marriage of equals is impossible, but all they prove is that they themselves are incapable of it. 

He ended that conversation with, “I don’t want to date. I am looking for someone to marry. If that is not a goal of yours, please let me know so we can spare one another feelings and time.

After that, we ate our meal and conversed about more light-hearted things (goals, favorite this and that).

Well, at least they got to normal human conversation at some point. As for his disclosure that he was interested only in marriage, not dating, the problem is that this woman was forced to decide right then, on a first date, knowing next to nothing about this man, whether she wanted to commit to spending the rest of her life with him. How is this a good idea? Of course, I agree that it's not good to lead someone on and date them for an extended period if you know you're not interested in marrying them. But can't there be some middle ground? If the woman really would like to marry this man, it's entirely possible he would scare her off simply because she couldn't tell him immediately whether she would commit to marrying him. Or, she would panic and tell him that she was on the same page and committed to pursuing marriage, in which case there would be enormous pressure on her, not only from him, but likely from the community and family of which she was a part, to not break that under any circumstances. It's not enough for these people to forbid divorce; in many cases, they treat even breaking up a dating relationship as if you have broken a covenant, failed in your goal of finding a spouse, and in many cases are "damaged goods" and have less of a chance of finding a spouse. The entire arrangement is as unhealthy as it possibly could be. 

       The woman concludes by saying "I am so happy that he did not beat around the bush and asked these things upfront. Some might find this overwhelming but I found it refreshing!" I do hope things worked out for the best for her and that she has a happy marriage. But if she does, it was only luck. This certainly is not a reliable method of choosing a spouse. Like I said, it's good to discuss certain things sooner rather than later, but we would do well to chill out a bit and take things a little more slowly. These people are so afraid of moving too quickly in the physical sense that they seem to replace it with moving too quickly to make an emotional commitment. 

       A few closing thoughts. She did say they eventually talked about goals, likes and dislikes, etc. But these questions certainly suggest that he's not primarily interested in getting to know her, and frankly, he doesn't seem to care much who he marries. It could be any woman, as long as she knows how to cook. clean, and pop out babies.  

       And a final point has to do with Lori's purpose for writing this blog in the first place. Early in the blog, she states that "it is a wise man and woman who asks deep and important questions before getting emotionally involved with someone they want to marry." While she said "man and woman", doesn't she constantly insist that her blog is directed toward women? If so, isn't the purpose of this particular post to encourage women to ask important questions during the dating process? If so, why does this blog focus on the questions a man asked a woman? Wouldn't it have been better to suggest some questions a woman might ask a man? I'm honestly not sure why she even wrote this blog, except perhaps to put this man on a pedestal, as she is so fond of doing. Even if what Lori teaches were correct, this blog wouldn't have much value at all for her followers. 


Link to the original blog: https://thetransformedwife.com/what-he-asked-her-on-their-first-date/