Response to "A Sexless Marriage is a Catastrophe for Men."

       Lori begins this weirdly titled blog with the following quote from the book "How to Be a Wife" by Suzanne Venker: 

 “Research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. For men, it’s almost always a result of a sexless marriage. For women, it’s a result of emotional deprivation: the husband is too wrapped up in his job or his hobbies or whatever else to give his wife the time and attention she needs. That’s a great example of the research shows men and women have affairs for different reasons. Many wives are all too happy to go years without sex. For men, it’s a catastrophe.”

Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical about this "research." To be fair, I don't have the book, so I don't know for sure that there isn't a footnote with a reference to some sort of study. But we know how hastily Lori and those with similar views tend to accept and stand behind anything that appears to support their position. This particular claim demonstrates the same flaw we see in many claims like this: it is simply too broad, too simplistic. We all would like to fit the world into convenient boxes, and many especially seem obsessed with doing so when it comes to gender. But, like it or not, we are each individuals, and even when there are "tendencies" to one gender or another, that says nothing about the qualities of any individual. In short, each affair happens for a unique reason in a unique situation, and it is extraordinarily unhelpful to try to squeeze it in a neat little box. 

       That is, of course, not even to mention the all-too-predictable focus on the needs of men. But this certainly is nothing new. 

My husband mentors men.

Yes, and this causes me great concern. 

Many, if not most, of the men he mentors tells him that their wives don’t want to give them sex. It’s as if these wives have decided they don’t want it, so they don’t want to give it. They falsely believe that it’s not part of the marriage vow that they made to their husbands. They are tearing their homes down with their own hands.

Whoa, slow down! First, we need to stop using the phrase "give him sex." Sex is a mutual thing, intended for both to enjoy. It is not something the woman "gives" to the man, as if it's all about him. Of course, we know that among those who practically worship men and masculinity, the man's sex drive is quite a high priority. So this language is not surprising; but it needs to stop. 

       Second, Lori has no comprehension of the concept of nuance. She hears a generic statement that may or may not even be true, such as that most wives don't want to have sex with their husbands, and immediately decides she knows the problem and the solution. "It's as if these wives have decided they don't want it, so they don't want to give it." Wait a minute! We have no idea what might be going on in each of these nameless, faceless marriages. If one spouse is seriously opposed to having sex with the other, a good solution might be to go to a qualified counselor who can help them work through their issues. There almost certainly are a lot of factors involved, different ways in which each spouse has hurt the other or pushed them away. But in Lori's head, she's already solved the problem: the wives need to just stop it and sleep with their husbands more. Problem solved! This is a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches and antibiotics. Simply having more sex does not even identify, much less solve, the underlying problems. She can't just accuse the woman of "tearing down her home."  But, of course, Lori never seems very concerned about getting to the bottom of such things. She would rather sweep them under the rug and just pretend everything is fine. In her mind, this conflict-free, soul-less marriage is the ideal. 

The Apostle Paul commands those that burn to marry; for it is better to marry than to burn. He also commands us to not deprive our husbands for lack of self-control. Most godly men marry because they burn. They want sex. They want a wife who is available to them to meet this need.

This is profoundly sad. Lori has a terribly cynical view of men. I certainly didn't marry my wife because I was horny and wanted a female body lying around to meet that need. Imagine thinking that this describes godly men! A man who is so self-centered and unconcerned for anyone else is anything but "godly." There are many good men who value women, and their wives, as human beings with more to offer than their bodies. Tragically, it is just these types of men who are often criticized as not being "manly" enough by men who are hyper-obsessed with their own sex drives. And people like Lori actually are trying as hard as they can to convince young, vulnerable women that the latter type of man is the one they should be looking for! 

If you are married, you are to fulfill that need for your husband. If you don’t, you have some part in his seeking out porn or an affair if he does.I know women hate to hear this, but it’s true. God warns of this happening if we deprive our husbands! He commands us not to deprive our husbands because of this. Yes, if the husband begins to look at porn or have an affair, he will stand guilty for his sin but the wives will stand guilty for depriving their husbands.

No, no, no, no no no, and...no. Hasn't Lori ever read Matthew chapter 5?! Jesus was very clear that men who lust were responsible for their own sin and should "gouge their eyes out." He never blamed the women who were being stared at, never asked what they were wearing. The principle Jesus was trying to convey is clear: we are all individually responsible for our own actions. If a wife pushed her husband away for no reason and refused to have a relationship with him, she certainly is in the wrong; in that situation, he should do everything he can to try to get at the root of the problem, and likely should involve a counselor. But if he decides to have an affair, that is entirely on him. He is not responsible for her coldness, but he is 100% responsible for how he reacts to it. This is just another case of victim blaming. And I notice it is always in the man's favor. How would Lori react if a wife cheated on her husband because he wasn't fulfilling her needs emotionally? Would she say the husband is partly responsible? Of course not! I suspect instead she would write a bunch of tweets about how we are all fully accountable for our own actions! 

       Lori closes with this: 

Don’t deprive your husbands, women! Build your homes up and be a willing partner for your husband. This is a huge part of keeping your marriages strong.

And to this, I say: no, the solution is not simply to have more sex, or sex whenever he wants it. That will never solve any underlying issues. Instead, learn to love, respect, and honor each other, and treat each other as equals. If you do this, likely the sex will come far more naturally. Sex is a symptom of how things are going beneath the surface. It does no good to try to manipulate the symptom; but if we dealt with the problem, maybe there wouldn't be any need to nag us about having sex in the first place. 

Link to the original blog: https://thetransformedwife.com/a-sexless-marriage-is-a-catastrophe-for-men/